On my walk through Grant Ranch yesterday morning the Rocky Mountains stunningly rose above the rooftops, speaking volumes of God's creative beauty and power, bringing me to reflect on my interactions of late.
Throughout my week I speak with pregnant moms who want the very best for their unborn child. In relating with them I am reminded that change happens quickly. When a woman is pregnant, nine months can at times feel overwhelmingly long to her. But, truthfully the changes in pregnancy rapidly shift unknowns to knowns, though still often riddled with uncertainty.
Pregnant moms have an ever-changing landscape before them, especially the moms who come to me as they are fully exploring all of the options they have for the child they carry. Looking into what-ifs and trying to move in what they feel is the best direction isn't easy. It's not unlike the stage Geoff, the kids and I find ourselves in right now. Options are plentiful, but weighing those options can feel heavy.
Toby is settled in at JBU, but will find that four years of university flies as a balloon carried up high and swift on the wind. Acacia is still trying to determine what might be next after graduation--so many options, and Kevin has his eyes set on a few possibilities of how he himself can get into the sky as a pilot in the Air Force, but nothing is yet set.
Women coming to the end of a pregnancy face labor and delivery with the stage called transition being the swiftest moving phase. But, transition for the missionary returning from the field to the home culture is NOT so fast-paced!!
I've heard fellow returnees say it truly took years for them to feel they'd made it through transition. Just recently a fellow missionary who worked with us at New Hope Uganda stated he felt he was in transition for the greater part of six years!
I've wondered during my own experience if the stages of transition back to a home culture after years spent adjusting to a host culture is very much like the grief process. Movement isn't so much linear but circles round repeatedly through stages much like those of the well known Kubler-Ross presentation of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, albeit from a different perspective with each cycle through. Transition itself is a mountain of emotions presenting any one or multiples of denial ("I'm not hurting about the loss I've just experienced, I'm just really tired"); anger ("Why is it so hard and why am I hurting?"); bargaining ("If I can just get through today, tomorrow, the next week, I'll have progressed and be MUCH closer to finishing transition, right?); depression ("Nope, this is too hard, I'm gonna take another nap") and acceptance ("Thank you God for being with me even when I don't always like where I am or what I'm feeling," and "This is where we are, let's get on with it.") I found a perfect picture on the internet to illustrate what I'm trying to express . . .
As I continue to walk, the mountains ahead of me forcefully speak majesty, power, plan and blessing. Each stage of each day, month, year and decade is filled with promise as we look up and lean into God. Just as the mountains invite me to climb to higher ground, so does my Father God. Leaning into the blessing that He's given in this moment in the current stage is to say with my whole self, "THANK YOU GOD! I recognize Your hand. I recognize what You're doing. I see that You are working on my behalf in Your Kingdom!" To lean in, fully accept, and express thanks every day means that I am fully living as He intended in this moment. Though, it doesn't mean I'm through transitioning yet.
So, as I walk with pregnant moms through the many stages of their experience I find their exploration and experience reflect mine in many ways. It's the knowing in general what's coming, but not knowing the details; it's the knowing that transition is inevitable, but not knowing exactly how to respond in the process. The one difference? They know they will only spend nine months in pregnancy and a relatively short time in transition. I have no idea how long it might take me to feel I've fully transitioned from our thirteen years we invested in the people and ministry of New Hope Uganda. And, just like elements of grief that linger throughout life, I will always carry in my heart a place for beautiful Uganda.
It's comforting and peaceful to know that God is in control and HE is fully trustworthy in the many stages of my transition, and yes, through the many stages of grief as I miss my beloved Uganda and her people dear to my heart.
My dear friend Grace.